The transcript of the public address system, Suvarnabhumi International Airport.  Readers are asked to imagine the following announcements read in a female voice combining the tones of maternal assurance with those of a tempting seductress.

Oh, and each one is preceded by an irritating series of chimes.

Welcome to Suvarnabhumi International Airport, Bangkok.  Please stand by for some important public announcements.

The People’s Alliance for Democracy announces the arrival of mob rule, economic blackmail and irresponsible ignorance.  All passengers holding tickets for any destination are asked to proceed immediately to the exits and kiss their hopes of a flight goodbye.

Some foreign visitors have apparently mistaken the people wearing yellow shirts as football supporters.  Please be advised that these are members of the People’s All Eyes for Democracy.  There is no danger.  These are not mindless football hooligans; they are mindless political hooligans.

The Thai Fruit, Vegetables and Flowers Exporters Association announces the rotting of all merchandise awaiting export in the cargo area, and apologizes for any inconvenience caused by the smell.

The PAD Security Section wishes to reassure foreign tourists that they are committed to the principle of non-violence.  Their sub-machineguns, homemade bombs, pistols, sharpened iron rods, golf clubs, sticks and other weapons will be used only to threaten, attack and kill their opponents in a non-violent manner.

The Department of Immigration announces the opening at Immigration Desk 3 of facilities for the payment of fines by foreign tourists who have overstaying their visa.  Please have exact change available.  We regret that foreign currency is not accepted.

The Thai Hotels Association, the Association of Thai Travel Agents, and the Taxi, Tuk-tuk and Sundry Tourist-dependent Enterprises Association announce the departure of all hopes of making a profit this year.

Dear Leader Sondhi Limthongkul wishes to make known his vehement condemnation of the terrorist attacks on hotels, stations and other facilities in Mumbai, India, for pushing him off the front page in the international media.

The Peep’s Slice for a Mockery announces the serving of lunch; pork in Row P, chicken in Row Q and vegetarian in Row R.  PAD members are respectfully requested to have your yellow shirt, yellow headband and flappy clappy available for inspection.

Any filthy, despicable devil-worshipping Khmers are urgently required to identify themselves to PAD guards for a good non-violent doing over and immediate deportation by land to their evil, imperialistic, temple-grabbing country.

Supreme Cultist Sondhi Limthongkul calls on any menstruating PAD member to provide used sanitary napkins to counter the evil fluences of the infidel murderous Khmer-loving pseudo-government.

The Pea Pill Silly Ants Ford a Moccha Sea announces the re-naming of this airport, which will now be known as the Hirsoshima-Nagasaki Final Solution Airport.

Please be aware that serious measures will be taken against anyone pretending to be Cambodian in the hopes of getting out this country one way or another.

All Nippon Airlines announces the delayed non-arrival of flight ANA 681 from Tokyo Haneda to Hiroshima, which got confused and almost diverted to Thailand.

The leadership of the Pleas and Lies for Demagoguery wishes the foreign guests in our country to know that the occupation of Suvarnabhumi International Airport is to let the world understand the illegitimate demon killer nature of the puppet proxy Thai government that cares nothing for the rights and privileges of the right-minded middle classes who are the true owners of the country.  The leadership is sorry for any minor inconvenience that may possibly be caused by the suspension of all international air travel.  But not really. 

This is the final call for the departure of Thailand’s reputation as an international tourist destination.

Suvarnabhumi International Airport wishes our foreign guests a pleasant indefinite stay in our country and if this is your first experience of Thai politics, you are welcome to it.