It’s hard going at the Department of Special Investigations (DSI) where the Detecting Scapegoats for Irresponsibility (DSI) Section is conducting a Detaining Suspicious Individuals (DSI) operation by the Doing Simultaneous Interrogations (DSI) process.

They have been told by the Minister of Finance, who would never dream of interfering in the DSI’s work, to find the source of the rumours that led to sharp falls on the stock exchange. Within the week. They have collected a number of likely suspects who are being questioned in adjacent interview rooms.

The work of the DSI is conducted to the highest professional standards of confidentiality and due process, so Prachatai can bring you only partial transcripts of the interrogations. Our own professional ethics forbids us from revealing the suspects’ identities. Nor can we disclose the exact nature of the rumours that started all this, of course, but we do hope he’s feeling majestically better.

Interview Room 1

‘Now according to our records, on October 14, you were one of the many people on the stock exchange who sold shares. Could you tell us why you did that?’

‘The index was falling. That’s why I sold.’

‘But why was it falling?’

‘Well, people say there were rumours.’

‘So you believed the rumours? These false, malicious rumours spread by foreigners deliberately trying to sabotage the Thai economy?’

‘I don’t think you understand how the stock market works. I don’t care if prices are falling because of rumours or anything else.’

‘So why did you sell? Did you think the rumours were true?’

‘That’s completely irrelevant. It doesn’t matter to me or to any other investor what the rumours are, whether they are true or not, or if other investors believe in them. All that’s important to us is what the market will do next, and that depends on what everyone else thinks the market will do next. If, for whatever reason, I think that people will sell and push prices down, I will react to that before it happens.’

‘But if you knew the rumours were false, there would be no reason to sell.’

‘Who cares whether they are false or not? You just follow the market.’

‘So if just one person hears the rumours and believes them and starts selling, then all of you will start selling?’

‘If we think everyone else will sell, yes.’

‘But that’s, that’s … unpatriotic.’

‘No, that’s capitalism.’

Interview Room 2

‘Did you hear any rumours?’

‘You mean about the health of …’

‘You do not need to repeat these filthy and scurrilous lies here. Just answer the question. Did you hear them?’

‘Oh yes, I thought everyone did. It’s not a crime, is it?’

‘Well, hearing them may not be, but did you believe them?’

‘Yes.’

‘You believed them? Why?’

‘Well, because I read about them in the newspaper.’

‘Ah-hah! Which dastardly and malevolent foreign newspaper did you read?’

‘The Nation.’

‘The Nation?! But they clearly said the rumours were not true.’

‘That’s right. But you can’t believe a thing the Nation says. So when they said the rumour mongering was all wrong, I knew there had to be something in it.’

Interview Room 3

‘Our investigations show that you were one of the first to start selling shares. What prompted you to do that? What made you think Thai companies were going to lose value?’

‘Ah, you see, when you’re playing the Thai market, you shouldn’t waste time on a company’s figures or its prospects or analyzing their share performance or anything of that stuff. Far too complicated and takes too much time.’

‘So what do you do?’

‘You just watch the big players. They can make the market move in whichever way they want. If you can anticipate what they’re going to do, and sell just before they sell, or buy just before they buy, you’ll make a fortune.’

‘I see. So how do you know who the big players are and what they’re going to do?’

‘There’s lots of ways, but personally, I had a good long look at the Assets Declarations that the politicians have to publish. That tells you exactly which shares they own.’

‘So you pick a politician, and trade in the same shares that he has?’

‘Exactly. And if I think he’s going to sell, I sell first. Which I did. And the market tumbled. Made a killing.’

‘But how did you know what this politician was going to do?’

‘Well, there was this rumour. But you only know it’s right by looking at what they say after it’s all over. They never say it clearly but you can read the signs.’

‘So who exactly have you been watching?’

‘It’s obvious, isn’t it? Who’s the richest man and biggest shareholder in the Cabinet? Who raised this huge song and dance about the stock market falling because of rumours that no one in his right mind would believe?’

‘So you’re saying the whole thing was started by …’

‘Right. The Minister of Finance himself.’

About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).