‘Thai Rath Online has reported that the Commander of the Technology Crime Suppression Division admits the mistake of shutting down the Association of Tennis Professionals websites (www.atptennis.com and www.atpworldtour.com) due to his misunderstanding that they were gambling websites.’
It is no joke trying to maintain Peace and Order, as the following perfectly untrustworthy transcript of a conversation in the Department of Ensuring Correct and Effective Information Transmission. This Department was renamed from the ‘Office to Suppress Dissent’ in line with the policy of giving nice reassuring names (‘invitation to meditation’) to things that are nasty and illegal (arbitrary detention).
* * * * * * * * * * *
I want him in here, right now. Who would have thought they were the biggest investors in the Vinegar Production Association of Thailand?
You called for me, sir?
Yes, could you please explain what in the world possessed you to block the website of the Vinegar Production Association of Thailand?
But I didn’t, sir.
Yes you did. And I have had just had a rather unpleasant telephone call from one of their main investors – and I’m not saying who – telling me how much business they conduct through their website. And how much business they’ve lost because some clown in the office of DECEIT here shut it down, supposedly on the charge of trading in illegal medicinal substances.
No, that was a different site. The one I closed down was selling Viagra.
What?
Yes sir, their address is … Oh. I think I know what happened. You see, I have this slight dyslexia problem and I think I may have misread the name.
But didn’t you look at the pictures on their home page? What the hell did you think these beaming housewives are pouring into their cooking pots?
Not little blue pills? I thought that was why they were smiling.
Lord give me strength. Right. Unblock that site immediately, then go back and check what else you have been blocking. No, on second thoughts, get someone else to check. Someone who can read. Meanwhile we will have to reassign you. Captain, have you got anywhere where we can put him?
Well sir, we’re a bit short-handed on vehicle tracking, sir. We could post him outside one of the homes or offices we’ve got under surveillance.
OK, do it. Now.
Ok, sunshine, off you go and make sure you carefully write down the registration numbers of every vehicle that stops outside. Now you wanted to see Lt Duangta, sir.
I did?
Yes, sir. She organized the raid on the bookstore, sir. The one where they were complaining about titles being seized at random.
Oh that one. Have you got the list? Send her in.
Good morning, sir.
Lt Duangta, could you please explain why you went to this bookstore and removed the books on this list?
Er, they’re all banned, sir.
All of them? ‘Hunt for Red October’, yes, I can see why that might be offensive. Just. But ‘Flaubert’s Parrot’? ‘Bicycling the Pacific Coast?’ And this one, ‘The Colour Identification Guide to Moths of the British Isles (Macrolepidoptera)’? Who banned these?
It was in the order we received, sir. We were told to remove all 1984 books. All these books were published in 1984. We checked very carefully.
No, no, no. You were supposed to take all the copies of ‘1984’. You know? The novel? The one they all keep reading outside Paragon while they scoff their seditious sandwiches and threaten national security?
‘1984’ is the name of a novel?
Lt Duangta, are you a university graduate?
Yes, sir. That’s why they assigned me to book censorship.
I see. You didn’t happen to graduate in English, did you?
Yes sir. How did you know?
Just a wild guess. So just quietly take all these books back.
Yes, sir.
OK, so what’s the next cock-up?
No sir, it’s something we need your advice on. It’s one of these gambling websites.
Oh now do be careful. We don’t want another ATP fiasco.
Well this website is called www.winmillionsbettingontheworldcup.com. We’re not sure if it’s legit or not. It’s registered in Transdniestria, wherever that is.
Hmm. Well we did give everybody free access to the World Cup. Maybe this was part of the idea.
Well, sir, we thought that maybe a compromise would be the answer. Block all bets on teams wearing red shirts but let the rest go ahead.
What? With all the Man United and Liverpool fans in the country?
Er, no, sir, this is the World Cup. Belgium play in red. And Portugal.
Oh, well, that sounds alright. Go ahead.
Yes, sir.
So that means my bet on Brazil is still on?
Yellow shirts? Of course, sir.
About author: Bangkokians with long memories may remember his irreverent column in The Nation in the 1980's. During his period of enforced silence since then, he was variously reported as participating in a 999-day meditation retreat in a hill-top monastery in Mae Hong Son (he gave up after 998 days), as the Special Rapporteur for Satire of the UN High Commission for Human Rights, and as understudy for the male lead in the long-running ‘Pussies -not the Musical' at the Neasden International Palladium (formerly Park Lane Empire).
