Laboratories in Europe are racking up inordinate amounts of overtime as they test more and more samples of ‘beef’ products.   A small percentage turn out to contain something else, the something else in most cases being horsemeat. 

Which is cheaper, and, because the horsemeat trade is less well-regulated, could be tainted with dangerous stuff injected into the horses before they are slaughtered.  Unlike the other stuff which is injected into cows, pigs, chickens and all the other things which vegetarians laugh at us for eating. 

Now the way they test for the presence of horsemeat in your frozen boeuf bourguignon or fresh filet mignon is by looking at the DNA, because if cattle and horses had the same DNA you’d have cows winning the Derby.

But it is not only labs in Europe that are doing a lot of DNA testing these days.  Technicians in Thailand are also, very quietly, busy in their labs. 

They are not testing meat products, good lord no.  I mean, who would want to know what goes into Thai meatballs?  And what makes them grey?  No, the DNA testing being done in Thailand is at a completely different level.

It is part of a little-known government project to find the DNA of the ‘True Thai’. 

This is based on the scientific discovery of Dr Tul Sitthisomwong, who was once of the PAD and yellow, but has since diversified and become multi-coloured.  Dr Tul is the brave soul who regularly speaks for the monarchical side on English-language panels about Article 112 and the like, where his deficiencies in English are sadly not enough to disguise the dottiness of his political views. 

But he is also a respected gynaecologist at Chulalongkorn University’s Faculty of Medicine.  So when he speaks on matters medical, his words should be taken seriously.

Some years ago, when he was still only yellow, Dr Tul was reported to have given a speech where, after calling for the execution of the then Prime Minister, Somchai Wongsawat, he claimed that love for the country and the King was embedded in the DNA of Thais and not of other peoples.  But unfortunately, some Thais had mutated and this bit of their DNA was no longer present.  This meant they had no love for the King, so they should not be called real Thais.

At about the same time, the Ministry of Science and Technology assigned the National Electronics and Computer Technology Centre (NECTEC) to find the specifications of authentic Thai dogs.  Their ‘reference’ was to be His Majesty the King’s favourite dog, Thong Daeng. 

Sorry, I missed the honorific.  The then Minister Khunying Kalaya Sophonpanich referred to ‘Khun Thong Daeng’, a suitably humble title.  Not like ‘Air Chief Marshal’, for example.

The characteristics of authentic Thai dogs that NECTEC was to specify and then patent included ‘medium size, coiled tails, prick ears, and loyalty to their owners’.

A similar project was at the same time announced for water buffaloes though it is not known which prototype was being used.  Rumours that NECTEC scientists had been looking at Pheu Thai MPs from the northeast could not be verified.

But it is the True Thai human genome project that has been keeping the geneticists busy.  Isolating the patriotic, royalist gene has been the least of their problems.  The scramble to win selection as the prototype has led to some unseemly behaviour among the elite.

One problem is that so many of the ammat carry foreign genes (no phrai of course could possibly be considered).  This was thought to be an excellent reason for rejecting that dubious Dubai resident whose chromosomes were chock-a-block with Chinese genes.  But if a Chinese-tainted genetic inheritance was grounds for disqualification, a lot of other people would also be excluded.  Very nice people, some of them.

Fortunately the NECTEC scientists have managed to establish a distinction between a dominant foreign gene, which does rule out their owners and which is expressed as an unbridled lust for power and wealth, and an acceptable, gentler recessive variety, associated with native-like fluency in foreign languages, good looks, and the inability to win elections.

Progress is also reported to have been made in identifying the genes responsible for liking smelly foods like durian and pla ra; for disliking smelly foods like lamb or Camembert; for the nervousness caused by quiet places or solitude; and for the inability to distinguish between the right and wrong sides of the road.

Prospects for project success, however, are not good.  The NECTEC researchers keep coming up against the gene responsible for such common Thai expressions as ‘mai pen rai’ and ‘khi kiat’.  The inescapable conclusion is that the penchant for never taking things seriously and dogging off at any excuse is a quintessential True Thai gene.

So fearful are the NECTEC scientists of not qualifying as True Thais themselves, that they give deliberately free rein to this part of their genetic make-up. 

And go home early.