OK, I’m bored.  This Premier season has gone on long enough.  The new faces have begun to pall, as have the permutations of old faces in new places.

I realized I was losing interest when I started zoning out in the managerial press conferences.  Some of the old lags, like Ferguson and Wenger, can still be relied on to say the odd thing of interest.  But the rest are just mouthing through the motions, platitudinous apologia for the latest failings.  

Instead of listening to the repeated absolutelys and moving forwards and couldn’t ask mores, I found myself in a zen-like trance, tracing out the patterns in the advertising stickers on the back panel behind the moving head.  

Then there was an interview with Sebastian Vettel after he won the F1 World Championship (again) (bloody Germans).  And the stickers weren’t on the back wall; they were on him.  To the point that I wasn’t sure he was actually wearing anything under the advertising.

But it did mean you could see who was paying for his performances.  It reminded me of that scene in one of the Mike Moore documentaries where he put a caption above each politician in a clip.  The captions moved about with them, and listed some of the contributions they had taken from corporations.  

And I realized that the time has come for political labelling that protects voters in the same way that product labelling protects consumers.

As I write, I can read that I am currently ingesting a product containing vegetarian glycerol, coconut oil, citric acid and sulphur dioxide, and do you know, it suddenly doesn’t taste quite so good.

Why don’t we make politicians display similar labels?  These would list all the companies and people who have given them money, all the companies where they have directorships or own shares, and all the companies and people they owe money to.  Basically, the answer to the question ‘Who owns you?’

I mean, if we have the right to see exactly what food ingredients we are pushing down our throats, we ought to see whose interests we are electing to parliament, no?

(And should any politicians be reading this, which I seriously doubt, I expect that any recently ingested foodstuffs are at this moment rising in their gorge.  I recommend a quick visit to the nearest bathroom followed by a few minutes of samadhi meditation and a resolution never to go near this website again.)

Now product labels are required to be printed in a certain font size to ensure legibility.  Politician labelling would also appear in a legally specified font size on tastefully lettered placards that the politician would wear round his or her neck.

Ah, I hear a strangled cry, but what if it doesn’t all fit on?  Some of our more prominent pols are extremely well-connected, after all.  Easy.  They will have to carry an overflow placard on their backs.  And if that’s still not enough space, they can carry extra signs on sticks.

Now they will not be required to reveal their interests at all times.  They will have to display this information only when they are acting as politicians.  In parliament, on the campaign trail, giving media interviews, or attending any function that refers to their political status.  

But they will not be required to have the information printed on their jammies, for example.  Not unless they engage in political activities while wearing them, of course.  

Any Facebook page or other social media site of theirs will have to carry this information too.  As will any campaign posters or flyers, and if that means posters the size of football pitches and flyers as thick as telephone directories, so be it.

And while we’re at it, the companies will be required to reveal any payments or freebies they have given to politicians.  Or police stations.  And the police will have to list all the backhanders they’ve taken.  My, this is wonderful idea.  The possibilities are endless.

But columnists will need to be exempt, of course.  We do need to protect our sources.