A Taste of Honey

[Partial transcript of a recent case in the Bangkok Criminal Court]

Prosecution: Could you please tell the court your name?

Defendant: Namphueng Teenphee.

P: And what is your occupation?

D: Former ticket-collector on a Number 48 bus.

P: And why do you no longer practise your profession?

D: I was sacked, wasn’t I?

P: Quite. Could you tell the court where you were on December 3rd at approximately 9.30 in the evening?

D: I was on the bus, working.

P: And the bus was where?

D: Just past Asok on Sukhumwit heading for Bangna.

P: What was the incident that led to your dismissal?

D: Well, there was these two fellers, see, and I thought, hello, that one looks familiar, you know. Then I heard them talking and the other one, that’s him that doesn’t look familiar, he calls the other one, ‘Mark’. So then I clicked ’cause I remember seeing him on the telly.

P: And who did you think this person was?

D: Like I said, Mark.

Judge: Mark who?

P: If it please your honour, I believe the defendant is making reference to the nickname of the former Prime Minister and current Leader of the Opposition, the Right Honourable Abhisit Vejjajiva MP.

Judge: Ah, I see. But on a bus?

P: Quite, your honour. Now, Miss Namphueng, did you really think this person was the former Prime Minister

D: Well, yeah. It’s his name, innit?

P: You honestly believed that a man of his pedigree and social and financial standing would be taking a Number 48 bus?

D: Well, I didn’t know, did I? Maybe his car was in the shop or summat.

Judge: Perhaps you mean all his cars? (Laughter in the court)

P: So what did you then do?

D: I asked phi if I should …

P: Who is phi?

D: Nui. The driver. He’s me husband.

P: I see. So you asked the driver …?

D: I said ‘Here, that Mark’s back there. Should I clock him one with me tube?’

P: Tube?

D: What I keep the tickets and the change in. Packs a wallop, a full tube does. Nui knows, the number of times I’ve had to give him one.

P: So you asked permission to commit an assault. And what did your husband say?

D: I dunno. What with the engine and traffic, he couldn’t hear me and I couldn’t hear him.

P: So you then decided, in your words, to ‘give him one’.

D: Yeah.

P: Why?

D: Well he’s the enemy, innee? He sent the soldiers in to shoot us reds. Up on a murder charge now, he is.

P: But in fact it wasn’t the former Prime Minister, was it?

D: I know that now. I didn’t then.

P: So then what happened?

D: Well I went back to where him and his mate was and I shaped up to give him one with my tube, like I said.

P: And did you ‘give him one’?

D: Well no, ’cause some wanker in a Nissan cut in front and Nui slammed on the brakes and I missed my aim and the tube went flying out me hand and me money went everywhere and it took me ages to roll me tickets up again.

P: If it please the court, I think this is an open and shut case. As a result of mistaken identity and entirely misplaced political passion, the defendant attempted to assault an innocent member of the public with the intention of causing serious bodily harm with a lethal weapon.

D: Wasn’t a lethal weapon. It was me tube.

Judge: The defendant will remain silent. It is the court’s opinion that nothing can justify wilful and blatant political violence of this kind on a person thought to be a highly respected member of the political establishment. The defendant and her husband were properly dismissed from their jobs but they have shown no remorse and further exemplary punishment is called for. Under Section 296 of the Criminal Code, the defendant is found guilty and is sentenced to 3 years imprisonment. Take her down.

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