In the days before Facebook and their little ‘Like’ button to express the instantaneous (and possibly mindless) whim of the moment, people had to use their voices and actually say what they felt. Or at least makes noises.

The following is a transcript of a conversation secretly recorded at the Veterans of Military Coups Social and Recreational Club. A group of retired high-ranking officers were enjoying their weekly get-together. You have to read the ‘Harrumphs’ by these pre-internet fossils, a noise resembling a collective walrus-like snorting, as the equivalent of a Facebook ‘Like’.

Unless of course it’s the other ‘Harrumph’, which means the opposite of ‘Like’. The reader, I am sure, will be able to figure out which is which.

‘Wasn’t like this in our day.’

‘Harrumph’

‘Take this 3G fiasco, for instance, we’d never let anything like that happen in our day.’

‘What are you taking about? In our day there wasn’t even zero G.’

(General laughter)

‘No, but this whole idea about the airwaves belonging to the nation. Poppycock. They belong to us.’

‘Harrumph.’

‘Well, we ARE the nation.’

‘Course we are.’

‘Harrumph.’

‘And open bidding and all this nonsense. It only makes for noise in the newspapers. Wouldn’t have done it in our day.’

‘Well, I don’t know. They have made 41 billion out of it with their competitive bidding. How many submarines could that buy, Admiral?’

‘He’s not allowed submarines, didn’t you hear? They’ve got to buy frigates instead.’

‘Harrumph.’

‘Er, well, not quite. The navy’s now looking for a special kind of submersible frigate. And, yes, 41 billion would come in handy.’

‘And it’s 41 billion more than they made in our day when we were given all those TV and radio frequencies for free.’

‘Harrumph.’

‘Rubbish. Granted we never paid a penny for all those stations we still own and run. But we had the right to get them for free because of, because of, … what was it?’

‘National security.’

‘That’s right. National security. Radio and TV stations are a vital resource for the defence of the realm. Can’t let the enemies of the state get their hands on all that advertising revenue.’

‘Harrumph.’

‘And did you say competitive bidding? They disqualify all bidders except 3, then say they’ll sell 9 bandwidths but no one can have more than 3. Where’s the competition in that? It’s more or less a sale at the price the government decided in the first place. Even you can do the sums on that.’

‘I don’t know that he could, you know. He said they only got 10% on the price of kit, but when I looked at the figures on those Chinese tanks, it was way more than 10%. You remember, the ones that cracked open every time you fired them?’

‘True, he got a lot of bucks for his bangs that time.’

‘Yes, but you see what’s happened, by letting it all happen out on the open, every armchair Johnny starts carping from the sidelines, saying they should have got more money.’

‘Harrumph.’

‘And if they had rigged the bidding differently, and made the companies pay more, where would that have come from? From the fees they would charge their customers. Those businesses are only in it to make money, you know. Just like us in a way.’

‘Fiddlesticks. That National Telebroadcasting shower made a complete pig’s breakfast of it. Total incompetence. But what can you expect when they have women on it? Haven’t seen such a sheer waste of taxpayers’ money since, er, well, since …’

‘The GT200?’

‘Harrumph.’

‘The airship?’

‘Harrumph.’

‘Steady on there. Last I heard they thought they’d figured out what to do with it. Tourist attraction or something. Just like your aircraft carrier, Admiral.’

‘Harrumph.’

(A mobile phone rings. The ring tone is a male voice choir rendition of ‘Nak Phaen Din’.)

‘What’s that dear? … No, I’ve had to go out to Kamphaeng Saen, I’ll be a bit late. (Muffled laughter around the table.) Do you want me to get anything on the way back? … OK, see you in a few hours.’

‘You naughty, naughty boy.’

‘Well, that should give me enough time to nip over to Soi 10. Hope 46 is free.’

‘Enjoy it while you can. Once this 3G starts working, she’ll be able to find out where you’re calling from.’

‘You’re joking! Right, we can’t have any of that. Who’s in for a coup?’