Thailand, uniquely among the ASEAN member countries, seems to believe that by the time the ASEAN Economic Community comes into being in 2015, Thais should be fluent in the lingua franca of ASEAN, which, in a triumph of imperialism over demographics, is English, rather than Bahasa. Perhaps the Thais were guided in their thinking by the fact that every citizen in the 27 EU countries speaks, er, German?
However misguided this policy may be, substantial government budgets have produced a minor boom in an offshoot of the English for Special Purposes industry. Civil servants have been dragooned into classes on ‘English for ASEAN Purposes’ as the latest reason why the bureaucracy doesn’t get anything done.
Progress is, however, slow, as shown by a recent inspector’s spot-check on an English for ASEAN class for C3-4 Sanitation and Environmental Health Officers from the Lower North. The course content deals with the proper English to be used in ASEAN meetings.
In order to ensure that the budget is consumed before the end of the financial year, the class is meeting in a 4-star hotel in Hua Hin and will end with a ‘study tour’ where students will practice their new-found English proficiency at Old Trafford, Stamford Bridge and other Premier League football grounds.
As the inspector arrives, a role play exercise is being conducted.
‘Sen cue mitter Chair Mann, …’
‘Yes, could I just stop you there, Khun Manop. Now, class, can you see anything wrong with this intervention? No? Well, just think. Who is the chair of this role-play meeting?’
Eventually Khun Wanida, after a careful perusal of the card in front of her, decides that this is her assigned role and raises a diffident hand.
‘Good, yes, Khun Wanida is in the chair.’
The class are rather confused by this. After all, none of them are sitting on the floor.
‘So, Khun Manop, could you perhaps start your intervention again?’
In line with the well-known Thai educational principle that any student asked a question never knows the answer, but the person sitting next to them always does, Manop has a hurried whispered conversation with his neighbour. He sees the light.
‘Sen cue mitter Chair WOO Mann.’
‘Yes, that’s very good Khun Manop, a great improvement.’
Khun Manop beams.
‘But it’s still not completely right.’
Khun Manop glowers at the neighbour who has misled him.
‘Anyone? No? Well, we can’t say ‘mister’ to a woman, can we? What do we say?’
Khun Manop, desperate to recover his tarnished glory, blurts out:
‘Mittress.’
‘Er, no. not “mistress”, that’s something quite different. No, we use the word “madam”. Madam Chairwoman.’
Now every class has one student whose eagerness to learn makes the teacher’s life a misery. Khun Chalard has been busy with his dictionary. Without even the courtesy of raising his hand, he reads from the entry for ‘madam’.
‘A woman who runs a brothel.’
The rest of the class have no idea what ‘brothel’ means, but tension rises as they sense that Khun Chalard is onto to something. The teacher wonders how best to deal with this unwanted digression. And also where Khun Chalard learned to be so quick with his dictionary. Before she can intervene, Khun Chalard reads further.
‘A brothel is a building where men can go to pay to have sex with prostitutes.’
Now that is something all the class can understand. A small forest of hands goes up. ‘Wanida’s house is quite small; where does she keep her prostitutes?’ ‘Do all female ASEAN chairs keep brothels?’ ‘Does this mean Wanida’s husband has to pay?’
Since these questions are all in Thai, the teacher remains blissfully ignorant but Khun Wanida is becoming quite agitated.
‘No, class, that is not the meaning of “madam”.’
Khun Chalard waves his dictionary. It is the one the teacher herself recommended.
‘Not in this situation. Here it is just the word we use for a woman.’
Khun Manop tries to be helpful.
‘Same-same mittress.’
‘Er, in a way. But in this role play, Khun Manop, when he wishes to make the first speech as the head of the Thai delegation, at a meeting where the chairperson is a woman, will say “Thank you, Madam Chairwoman”.’
This idea meets with hoots of derision. Participants openly scoff. The teacher is dumb-founded.
‘No, that is the correct way of making opening remarks. What’s the problem?’
Khun Chalard is delegated to explain.
‘No, teacher. Thailand never make opening remarks at ASEAN meeting. Thailand always to arrive late. You should teach “Ache cue me, madam Chair Wooman, solly for late”.’
