I wish to report a crime.

Very good, sir. What crime?

I was drugged and robbed.

Could I see your passport please?

No.

Was it stolen?

No, it’s not safe to carry around with me. I left it at the hotel.

Do you have a photocopy or any other ID?

Er, no.

I should warn you that it is an offence not to carry your passport or other ID. But we’ll let that go for the moment. Can you please write your name here? Thank you. Nationality?

US.

Age?

62.

And where are you staying?

A hotel on Soi 4.

The name?

Oh, er, the something Inn.

You can’t remember?

I know where it is.

So could you please tell me what happened?

Well, I met this young lady on the street near the hotel and she looked kind of friendly, so we went back to my room and we had a drink or two and the next thing I’m waking up and it’s 3 o’clock in the afternoon and I have this terrible headache. And my stuff has gone.

OK, when did this happen?

Er, today’s Thursday so it must have been Monday night. About midnight.

And you woke up today?

No, the next day.

And you are reporting this today.

An honest citizen should always report crimes.

Yes, sir. Did you see a doctor after you woke up?

No, why should I?

You did realize you had been drugged?

Yes.

Never mind. It’s too late to get tested anyway. Now when you took this woman back to your room, did the hotel copy her ID at the desk?

Well, there’s a sign on the door that says all guests have to register but I didn’t bother. But it doesn’t matter. They have CCTV in the corridors.

But CCTV doesn’t give us a name.

Yes, but if you have her picture, you can still go out and find her.

Possibly. Can you describe the woman?

Well, tall, long straight hair. Sort of well-built.

Hmm. Er, have you considered the possibility that this was a man?

What? Jeez, what is this? When I say well-built, I mean a big ass, nice tits, kept making me suck them. Course she wasn’t a man.

Yes. So what was stolen? Can you please give me a list with approximate values?

Now most of my stuff was in the safe but the camera really pisses me off. There’s all the pictures in the memory. My last holiday with my girlfriend. All gone.

This jewelry, sir. Is this 600 dollars or 600 baht?

Oh, 600 baht. Just something I bought for my girlfriend in California.

OK, let me write out a report for you. Is this for insurance purposes?

Well, not really. There’s a co-pay and this stuff is less than that.

So why do you need a report?

Well this woman is likely to do it again on some other poor innocent guy. It looks bad for the tourist business. I had a different woman in my room the night before and there was no problem. You need to put this report in your computer system and go and catch this one and lock her up.

We will do our best, but, well, with no name, …. What is your purpose for being in Thailand?

Bit of this, but of that. Import-export, mostly. Lovely country. Love it here. But business is tough. All Thais are out to cheat you, you know?

OK, sir, if we need to contact you can you write a mobile number here? And when will you be leaving the country?

Sunday. I’m heading back to the States and the girlfriend.

Do you have plans to return to Thailand?

Oh yes. See I have a girlfriend in a place just north of, now where is it? Queue Can? In the northeast.

You mean Khon Kaen?

Yeah, that’s it. Anyway, I’m thinking of getting married and building a house on her parents’ place. Maybe live there a few months each year. I’ll be doing a hell of a lot for the local economy.

I’m sure we’re very grateful, sir.